The loneliness is hard tonight. I miss being held at night and feeling like someone was waiting for me at home with hugs. I miss little things about being in a relationship. It’s been a very long time since I was single. When me and last ex broke up, I was too busy being excited about the new relationship with Mike that was blossoming quickly to really feel any major breakup-sadness, and whenever I did, I could just call Mike up for a chat. That sounds bad, I know, but it’s true. I’m allowed to feel this way. I wish I didn’t.
The future feels so confusing. I’m gearing up to move out of my parents house, but whenever I think about moving out I feel scared. I want to go away for a week to Ireland, I don’t know why, it just feels like a good idea, but I’m worried that going to Ireland will eat into my ability to move out. And besides, what good will being in Ireland do if my problem is feeling lonely? I’ll just ended up being miles away from actual friends and family who can take away loneliness.
I think I just want to feel like I’m someone special to someone else. I want to be admired, respected, loved for doing the things I want to do, like travelling and painting and music. I want to feel safe enough to open my heart up and say “here, this is me” and have that person say “wow, that’s amazing!” But I’m scared, because what if I open up and show myself off and it turns out to be not that great? What if my special-ness isn’t all that special?
I want to be free to be lazy when I want to be, and free to make mistakes or get excited about something that makes no sense to anyone but me. I want someone to get excited with me about dumb things.
I know being single will probably do me good. I’ve not been single for more than a couple of weeks since… well, for about 10 years now. And I’m lucky. Profoundly lucky. Because I’m not really alone, at all, because I have family just in the next room, and because I have amazing friends who come to the train station and meet me just to give me a hug because I’m a dummy who thought she didn’t like me as much as she liked Mike as a friend. And friends who took me into their house, even though I’d only met her once before, but because I was her partners best friend who was hurting. And friends who offer to meet up or lifts when I haven’t seen them for months, just because I’m feeling sad.
I have to keep remembering that all of us, every single person on this planet, from the starving kids in Africa to the people sitting in government and CEOs of big companies, we’re all the same in that we’re all humans who experience the need for connection. I’m not alone in my loneliness. That, in a way, sort of makes me feel less alone.
It’s a strange thing, to sit here on the internet which has the capacity to reach millions of people all over the world and yet feel completely alone and completely at home all at once. This is the future and it is weird.