In Which Sarah Really is a Muppet Sometimes

This is a post to remind myself that I’m actually doing pretty damned awesome. I’ve recently been stressing out because OMG MY LIFE ISN’T PERFECT RIGHT NOW.

Consider how dramatically different my life was a year ago. Consider how dramatically different my life was three months ago. I think I should give myself a bit of a damned break. My life changes pretty often. I’m going to take a moment to recap on all the things I’ve done since this time last year.

  • Left an abusive relationship
  • Moved back in with my parents
  • Got promoted in the job I was in at the time
  • Illustrated a short story which didn’t go anywhere but might do one day
  • Completed NLP Master Practitioner
  • Wrote and recorded about 3 songs for a future album on my ukulele
  • Started a business and had a handful of clients
  • Played the ukulele in front of a crowd of around 30 people
  • Planned a trip to America all on my own and then went to America for a month
  • During that time in America, became a trainer of NLP and Hypnotherapy, which was the most rewarding experience of my entire life
  • Recorded a hypnosis relaxation track for fun and reasons
  • Made a bunch of incredible new friends from all over the world
  • Maintained a pretty challenging diet and lost a good deal of weight
  • Got a great new job in a company I can do great things in
  • Learnt to read the tarot because why the hell not

And at least a third of those things I’ve done in the last three months.

Imagine where I’ll be in another three months

I don’t even know where I’ll be in three months. A year ago I had no idea I’d have done half the things I wrote on that list. My plans are pretty straightforward: become financially independent, get to my ideal weight, move into a house in Leamington, and maintain a handful of clients around my day job. I was stressing out because I thought “I can’t do it”

But Jesus Christ Sarah, look at all of the things you’ve done. Remember what you said to yourself while you where on the plane to America:

“If I can do this, I can do anything.”

You did the thing. So now you can do anything. Where might I be in a year from now?

Maybe I’ll be half way around the world, delivering trainings and giving talks. Maybe I’ll be writing best selling books. Maybe I’ll be busking with my ukulele, singing dumb songs I wrote about dinosaurs and love and things that don’t make sense.

Maybe I can afford to dream a little bigger.

Sarah’s Future Relationship

There are times when I miss being in a relationship. I miss the security of knowing someone out there cares about me, loves me, misses me. I miss daily cuddles, being held, the feeling of another persons lips on mine.

But most of the time I adore being single. It gives me the opportunity to love myself. I don’t need a relationship to be happy, because I’m happy right now. And the next relationship I get into, I want it to be because it genuinely feels better to be with that person than it does to be single. In the past, I’ve gotten into relationships to fill a hole, to have the other person be somehow responsible for my own happiness, but that’s not healthy. I’m a whole, independent, strong woman and I’m looking for a whole, independent, strong partner and until I find them I’ll live my life and do things I enjoy and reach my goals. And when I find them, I’ll continue living my life and doing things I enjoy and reaching my goals but then I will do it with company.

33 Things Sarah Wants in a Partner

So, in the style of Alanis Morissette, here are a bunch of qualities I want in a future partner (Because, as the singer so excellently puts it, I figure I can decide since I have a choice in the matter):

  • Physically and emotionally healthy,
  • Enjoys challenging themselves
  • Wants adventure
  • Logically minded but open to seriously considering abstract and holistic concepts from a “what if it were true” point of view
  • Is playful
  • Is able to take care of themselves
  • Likes dogs
  • Enjoys serious discussion about science, politics, philosophy, history, movies, the arts, etc
  • Equally enjoys silly discussion about random topics that have no basis in reality, but taking them seriously, just for fun
  • Has a healthy relationship with themselves, their family and their friends
  • Understands the difference between realism, pessimism and optimism and chooses to have a realistic mindset with a hint of optimism
  • Enjoys travel
  • Open to trying things they wouldn’t necessarily choose for themselves, not for my benefit but because they value the importance of new experiences
  • Respectful of the beliefs of others even if they disagree with them completely
  • Is financially capable of going away for a weekend and still able to survive at no cost to their regular lifestyle
  • Can empathise with others without getting sucked into their problems
  • Pragmatic
  • Enjoys physical affection a lot
  • Respects boundaries and takes “no” for an answer
  • Enjoys receiving gifts and affection
  • Enjoys giving gifts and affection
  • Honest and open about their needs and desires
  • Enjoys making plans for the future, enjoys seeing those plans come to fruition
  • Sexually adventurous, open and confident
  • Isn’t 100% certain about wanting children, could go either way depending on the partner. Certainly isn’t planning on having kids now.
  • Has explored, and accepts, the darker aspects of their personality, understanding that everyone has a darker side to themselves and these sides need love and respect
  • Would enjoy spending the whole day in bed just as much as an adventure filled day of exploration
  • The idea of a perfect day starts with adventure, getting lost in a new experience (or literally getting lost in a new place), and ends in snuggling up in bed and falling asleep in each others arms.
  • Sees love as a very open experience, understands the difference between falling in love and being in a relationship
  • Understands and appreciates the concept of relationship anarchy, even if we are in a monogamous relationship
  • Understands that love and relationships do not equal ownership or obligation
  • Sees their needs, my needs and the relationship needs as three different things, understands that being together is about fulfilling all three of those things
  • Appreciates that this list is a fun and enlightening exercise, not a guideline of how they should behave.

Again, as Alanis says: These are not necessarily needs, but qualities that I prefer. Some are more important than others. It’s kind of like a “relationship bucket list”, since I’m a fan of making bucket lists.

Also this is a lot longer than I anticipated it would be. Lists are FUN.

Why I Learnt to Read the Tarot

A lot of my friends think I’m a little bit crazy, and a handful of very close friends know it for a fact. Most of them are aware of my obsession with learning new skills and becoming ridiculously fascinated by subjects for short periods of time, so when I told them I was learning the tarot, they shrugged it off as another one of Sarah’s weird learning things. But some of them didn’t really understand my reasoning behind the tarot, because… I’m scientifically minded… right? Why would I learn how to do something that has no basis in science?

The Power of our Beliefs

I don’t believe in magic, or psychics or God or ghosts or anything remotely paranormal or spooky or other-worldly. However, I do believe very strongly in the power peoples beliefs have over their reality. In fact, that’s a huge fascination of mine, a fascination that led me to learn Hypnotherapy, NLP and other “alternative” therapies such as EFT, Reiki and so on. I love to learn why people believe these things work, and I love to learn how those beliefs influence their results.

Our beliefs are fascinating things. When we believe something so absolutely, we completely ignore other evidence to suggest that our belief is faulty and even misinterpret evidence, so we see the evidence as proof in our belief. Two people who see a sunset, one of them marvels at the beauty of Gods work, another points and says “There cannot be a God, nothing can create such a beautiful sight”. They’re using the same evidence but taking different meanings from it based on their beliefs.

So what’s this got to do with why I learnt to read the tarot?

The Power of Projection

Not only are our beliefs fascinating things, but our minds are, too.  I’m sure all of you have heard about how it only takes us a moment or two to make a first impression about someone. Truthfully, it’s impossible to make a true judgement about a person within a second of meeting them, since we haven’t got any information about this person other than their appearance at that time. Yet, we make massive judgements about them at an unconscious level within seconds. We take that information from what they’re wearing, how they stand, how they gesture, how they talk and the way they say what they say. We associate those things to people we’ve met in the past; people who acted similarly; and attributes that we like and dislike about ourselves. We project all those things back onto that individual, and we’re completely unaware that we’re doing it.

And that is the great thing about learning tarot. When I pull three cards from the deck, three cards that have been pulled completely at random, I tell a story about that person based on what the cards say. A story I couldn’t possibly know at a conscious level is brought up, from somewhere within my unconscious mind. And, because the story I am telling myself about this person is a massive generalisation and because it could quite easily be told as a metaphor, the person I am doing a reading for can get a massive benefit from it. It can feel completely true, much in the same way as a horoscope can seem to relate to our lives despite them being attributed to the lives of thousands of other people reading the same one.

And being able to tap into my unconscious projection and tell these unconscious stories about the people around me with a simple deck of cards, it’s not just immensely beneficial for my own well being, it’s also a lot of fun.

The Confusion of Others

There’s another reason why I learnt how to read the tarot, but this one is a lot more selfish and almost cruel of me. When I’ve told people I’ve learnt the tarot, I get a lot of mixed reactions. Some people think I’m evil. Some people think I’m getting mixed up in the occult. And some people are horrified that I, an apparently scientifically minded young lady, would dabble in something clearly meant for psychics and other meddlesome things.

And considering that there’s nothing remotely unusual about a tarot deck, I don’t understand it. The fear or discomfort regarding the tarot that I’ve seen seems almost contradictory. They are cards with pictures of them, nothing more. To fear them or to somehow shun them as a thing reserved for the occult almost gives them the power people are so quick to disregard them for. And if you’re afraid of something, or unwilling to understand it based on a strong disbelief and closed mind, how will you ever understand how it works, or why people hold it in such esteem?

And on that note… Who wants a reading?

I don’t want a relationship

I don’t want a relationship, but I really like cuddling up next to someone, feeling intimate, feeling loved.
Waking up in someone’s arms and feeling their heartbeat.
Feeling their contentedness beside me.
Knowing they feel safe enough to fall asleep next to me.

I don’t want a relationship but I want to take someone’s heart and hold them,
Caress them,
Make love to them,
Fuck them and tell them how perfect they are.
Show them how amazing I think they are, run my hands over and explore every bit.

I don’t want a relationship but I want to fall in love as friends,
To delight in each other’s company,
To run and dance and laugh,
To feel the intimacy of two people connecting with each other,
To pull close and see the wonder of you.
To see myself reflected in your eyes and know I’ve found a kindred soul.
To smile and see you smile back.
To flirt, and fondle and kiss.

I don’t want a relationship but I’m lonely for company,
For connection,
For that magical feeling you get when you make a new friend.
That moment when someone does something so completely human that it knocks down your boundaries and suddenly you see each other for the first time in a new light.
To fall down and catch each other, because you see how beautiful the fall was, perhaps you don’t see it as a fall at all.

I don’t want a relationship but I want you to let me into your world,
To bring me into your soul,
To open the door to you and look inside the incredibleness that is you,
the beauty of you,
The wonder of you.
Walking into wonderland and feeling completely at home.
To feel like I belong here.
At home in your mind.

I don’t want a relationship but I’m falling for you anyway,
Because falling is beautiful and who says it has to only happen between lovers,
What judge threw down that rule and banned friends from desiring each other,
Excluded platonic love from the “real love” list?
I’ll fall for you because it’s a beautiful thing to do,
A natural progression,
A way of expressing “you’re amazing and I see how amazing you are”.

I don’t want a relationship but I want to love you in your perfection.

I don’t want a relationship but I want you to know how beautiful you are to me.

I don’t want a relationship but I have the biggest crush on you, your stupid smile, your goofy laugh,
The way you try so hard to look so cool but I can see how nervous you are inside,
The way you look at me,
The way I miss you…

I don’t want a relationship.

I really don’t want a relationship…

I don’t…

But I’d like to be loved.
To be held.
To be called beautiful.
Could you do that for me?